Colorado Ski Season: Guide on when resorts open, COVID-19

New to Reddit. This seems like a good spot to leave this.
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I plan on killing myself at the end of this week. I don't write this to incite guilt, remorse or pain. I'm not here for pity or advice. I share this because I find comfort in knowing that somebody might take something from my story and not my ending. I've dedicated my life to helping and supporting the people around me. I hope my story leaves something behind for others to learn from. You are important. You have value. You have yourself, even if you don't have anyone else. You are more amazing than the people are you can ever be. If you're looking for understanding and support during your own dark times, know that it's out there. Even if you're only here to read what other people have gone through to feel understood, that's ok. If you're hurting because you feel nobody cares please recognize that many people do. They just can't always be proactive to support you. People need something to respond to. Ask for help. Lean into the people around you. Reach out and someone will respond. My decisions and actions should not be yours. Learn from my mistakes.
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With that being said I'll start at the beginning.
This is my life. It has been very abbreviated. I've never been in a position to share this. It's always been interesting to me on what you share with specific people. I've always been able to share bits and pieces with specific people or groups, but I've never been able to share everything with anyone. I'm sure my memorial will be an interesting tapestry of different perspectives on who I was as a person. The foundation of everyone's experience will always be the same. I was the leader. I was the person who would drop everything to support anyone. I was always there, always ready to support and always pushed others to be the best they could and achieve their own goals. I was the person who helped others find themselves and build their confidence. I was the person who provided opportunities for others to see just how strong, amazing and unique they are. I can't take credit for anything other than recognizing how incredible the people are me were. All they needed was a little structure to discover themselves. I gave them structure when they needed it and supported them when they didn't. Their achievements are their own and I'm proud of every single person I've impacted. I hope my legacy with them will continue in their own endeavors. I hope they support people like I supported them. The world can be an beautiful, incredible place with wonderful culture and community. Sometimes you just need to be the one to get it there. And that's what I tried to do, one person at a time. I learned a while ago that if you want the world around you to be different you need to make it different. Be the person you want others to be for you. You're not alone in feeling the way you feel.
I was born in Florida. Not many people know that. Hell, most people don't remember my birthday, even though it falls on a holiday. I've had an interesting life. In my youth I moved around extensively. NY, FL, CA, CO, you name it. I was a happy kid. My mom raised me well. I had two unique brothers who I learned from. I lived out the remainder of my youth north of San Francisco and went back to school in Colorado. I'd always been a little depressed in high school, but nothing substantial. I had friends. I had a girlfriend. I wasn't the most confident individual, but I don't think many are at that age. I was born lucky. Intelligent (enough), attractive and talented at a variety of things. My family was never rich, but my lifestyle hasn't been one that needed money. I spent my days mountain biking, hiking, hanging out at the beach, going to metal concerts... I lived a great childhood. My grandparents helped raise me on and off and I was instilled with a more traditional set of values on how to treat others. I never went out of my way to hurt others. In fact, I've done everything I can in life to avoid negatively impacting others.
I graduated high school in 2011 and went off to college back in Colorado. This was a fantastic time of my life. I did not want to go to college, but went under the pressure of my family. It was amazing to be more independent. To start from scratch and build new friendships and relationships. I got heavily into outdoor recreation and adventure education and went on to make that a career. I pushed myself hard throughout college (and afterwards) achieving goals. I summited every 14er in Colorado. I dropped every waterfall possible in my kayak under 60' in the region. I ice climbed 300' walls. I spent weeks in the back country. I picked up new activities as easily as breathing. This was what I was made for. I found value in finding my own confidence through these experiences and pushing through perceived limitations. I took pride in doing what others told me I could not. I found myself and it was a fantastic feeling. Most people didn't necessarily understand. I still have this conversation with close friends. "Why do you do such risky activities?" "How do you find these things relaxing?" "When are you going to slow down?" "Aren't you afraid you'll die?". They never fully understood. But there's a difference between understanding and supporting. They supported me in the ways they knew how and I am forever appreciative of that. That's real caring - being able to recognize you don't understand but not let that hinder your support. Sometimes it's better to love than understand. Even if that's more difficult. You don't need to understand something to love it.
Even though my "risk tolerance" was higher than most around me I saw myself doing simple, straightforward things. I saw the risk but didn't ever understand why people thought it was so high. That's probably because I was living it myself and they were hearing about it through me. Their minds were filled with the "hollywood" images of these activities. The danger. The Intrigue. The romanticized nature of outdoor recreation. My mind was always filled with the reality. Lots of logistics. Lots of tedious, moving parts. Hours of prep time for a two minute payoff. As someone who enjoys planning and logistics, this was a major selling point for my gratification of these activities. I can't emphasize enough that the outdoors were my life. I lived and breathed adventure every minute of every day. Personally, professionally, you name it. I loved it. This isn't to say I didn't have other interests and other aspects of my personality. I played music. I went to open mic nights. I loved science fiction. Huge star trek nerd, x files, battlestar galactica... You name it. I loved reading and writing (though I was never particularly good at it). I loved experiencing other peoples lives. I loved meeting people who were different than me and being able to experience their life through their eyes. Everyone has something to contribute. Everyone has something to learn from. I'm glad I took every opportunity to discover the people around me.
My first job was working as a facilitator for my college's outdoor program. I remember my boss was a fantastic human being. When I first met him I thought he was fake. He was too happy. He was outgoing and kind and supportive in so many ways. He was the first person I looked up to. I learned a lot from him and I wish I had been a little more mature to recognize his contributions to my life. This job showed me that there was more fulfillment than just doing these activities. I was so much happier, so much more fulfilled, when I had the opportunity to introduce someone to the outdoors. Taking someone from beginner to more knowledgeable and standing with them while they grew and developed their own interpersonal skills was amazing to me. I realized that was my calling. Helping others discover what I had discovered myself... Being that facilitator. The educator. I loved every moment of it. Not because it gave me something, but because it helped me give back to the world around me. Being able to give someone an opportunity to be themselves... It was the best feeling. I want to be clear that I never felt that I was creating someone. I always felt that I was helping someone find themselves. The outdoors, and adventure, can be an incredible medium to work with to support that discovery. I could write a book on those experiences alone, but for the sake of brevity I'll continue.
The university I went to was in desperate need of a technical skills "adjunct" professor. I was lucky enough to be offered that position while still pursuing my undergraduate degree. I taught whitewater kayaking, challenge course leadership, winter orientation and outdoor leadership courses. I loved it. Life was going well. I had close friends. I had access to the outdoors. I lived with my best friends in my first apartment. I bought my first truck. I got my license. I found my favorite spots. I created my identity. There were plenty of challenges... Relationships, school, career, you name it. I'd always had this lingering depression. Never anything suicidal, but there was always something dragging me down. I stayed ahead of it. I stayed busy to make sure I wouldn't feel that way often. I volunteered with SAR and gave as much as I could to those around me.
After college I took an internship with a high school in Denver. I interned with an adventure education program at a public high school teaching adventure curriculum to high school students. The program was amazing. It encouraged students to step into leadership positions and "teach" classes. The co-curricular clubs offered backpacking, mountaineering, ice climbing, skiing trips... You name it. Even though I was an intern I had the opportunity to mentor and instruct courses, guide the co-curricular trips and help build leaders for the program. I loved every moment of it. I loved the demographic. I loved the opportunity. I loved the tangible, traceable impact as I got to see these students grow. Not just in knowledge. But as people. But my situation was... difficult, at best.
I was homeless the entire time (a year and a half) that I worked for this program. I think my coworkers knew, or at least had some idea, but it was never something I shared openly. I lived out of my truck with my dog through Colorado summers and winters in Denver. It took its toll on me. I showered in the locker rooms when I could. I snuck in at night and did laundry in the athletics department when I was sure nobody was around. I slept in walmart parking lots. I "moved" to Denver with a travel trailer someone had given me that had all of my possessions in it. I made the travel trailer work for as long as I could. This trailer housed everything I owned. Anything of sentimental value. Gear. Trinkets. Art. Everything. It wasn't the most comfortable trailer. It had sat in a yard for years before I got it. The trim was peeling apart and none of the appliances worked. But it had a bed. A few months into my internship I left this trailer in a walmart parking lot during a backpacking trip I was running. When I got back the trailer had been towed. Everything was gone and I could not afford to get it back. So, from that point on, my dog and I lived out of the truck. We did this for almost 18 months. I did not make enough money to afford much of anything. There were frequent times where I had to decide whether to pay my truck insurance and cell phone bill or feed my dog. I made the obvious choice - feed my dog. She never went without food or water. And I spoiled her every change I got. Dog parks, hikes, camping trips. She was my partner. I loved her more than anything in the world. I would go days without eating to make sure I could afford what she needed. This went on for over a year. Although I love the outdoors and am comfortable camping this entire experience took its toll on me physically and emotionally. Camping in walmart parking lots every night and not having consistent access to food, a kitchen or other basic things was hard. I ended up working 5 different jobs just to scrape by. I fought the world and I don't know who won. Honestly, I think we both lost. Some of the loneliest parts of my life came during this time. I started to struggle at work. I wasn't always mentally there. I would show up late to things. I was tired. I put work before health and didn't take the time I needed to take care of myself. But I didn't give up for a year and a half. I tried to make it work to the best of my ability, but had to make a hard choice to leave. I had learned so much from both of my coworkers. They were some of the most incredible people I had ever met. Patient, giving, structured, focused and goal oriented. They've impacted my perspective on leadership and education in ways I never thought possible. I know I disappointed them multiple times throughout my time at the high school. I tried my best and I wish I had been mature enough to ask for help or at least explain my situation to them. I regret not being better or doing better, but at the time I was struggling physically, mentally and emotionally.
I took a job in southern California at a university. It paid well enough to live and was a good step up the ladder. I rented the most amazing little cabin in the San Bernardino mountains. My boss was an incredibly talented individual and we complimented each other very well. He was very structured, very financially and logically driven and had built this program from the ground up. He hired me because he knew we needed a stronger education base - especially in "soft" skills. If I had been healthier we would have been quite the team. But as soon as I got to California and started to try to "relax" I found I had bottled up an extensive amount of pain from my year and a half of homelessness. It all started to hit me. And, to make matters worse, I was unable to process this pain effectively. I had always processed by pushing myself in the outdoor field. LA isn't the greatest spot for intense outdoor recreation... But I tried. I picked up new hobbies (canyoneering), joined a local SAR team and threw myself at educating my staff. But then the headaches started. I started getting confused easily and "blacking out". My memory wasn't what it used to be. I started to slow down. My personality dulled. My coordination was diminished. I was hurting. I was so confused that I lashed out at those around me. I lost a very close friend/relationship due to my actions. I was suicidal. I was "alone". I couldn't focus on work and was vacant when I was there. I would leave my desk and go to the restroom and cry in a stall. I didn't know what was going on with me. The physical pain, the emotional pain, the bottled up feelings and now being away from my home state... It was horrible. I ended up being hospitalized for a week when I blacked out at my house and called the police. I don't remember calling or going to the hospital, but I woke up later in the emergency room. I had CT scans that led the MRI's that led to specialist visits and observations. My brain was bleeding. Probably from a car accident a few months prior. I went through treatments, went on medication and decided it would be best to go to Florida to be closer to family to support me through that process. I flew out and interviewed for a position on an island in Florida running an adventure program. The island was beautiful, the program was small and the opportunity was huge. But it wasn't the job or the destination that left me hooked. It was who I met. On that island I met someone who I felt so strongly connected with, so interested in, that I did everything I could to pursue a future with her. A future that would come to fruition.
A month or two after my interview on the island I had been conversing extensively with this girl. For sake of animosity I'll refer to her as "N". She was beautiful. She glowed to me. I can remember the first moment I saw her. I never believed in love at first site, but I fell in love right then and there. Her smile was contagious. She lit my world up. Everything before her seemed dull. It was like I had seen color for the first time, and the world before her had just been black and white. I wanted to be something that made her smile. I wanted to start and end every day with her. She was, at the time, my sunrise and sunset. I could never put into words what she meant to me. I don't think she ever fully understood.
N flew out to California to visit me not long after my interview. I had invited her on a canyoneering trip to Zion - one of my absolute favorite places. It is, without a doubt, one of the best trips of my life and easily some of my favorite memories. I felt awful the entire time. Headaches, confusion.... But being around her made me feel.. Whole? It made me feel like I could push through it. And I did. She wasn't 100% healthy and it started a show a little on this trip. Her confidence in herself wasn't always accessible to her. But I didn't mind.
I dropped her off in Tahoe to see some friends shortly after our trip. She seemed reluctant to leave and not even a week later she showed back up at my cabin, having rented a car and drive through the night to get there. She stayed with me for weeks until I finally decided that a future with her was just the icing on the cake to head to Florida. She helped me move to Florida. We stopped in Colorado for a friends wedding where I was the best man. At this point my headaches and symptoms were so bad I could barely function. I don't remember the entire wedding, but I remember regretting the quality of speech I gave.
Florida was unique. It was different. I started slowly getting better and getting my energy back. I was running my own program for the first time and although I stumbled a little, I felt good professionally and personally. I worked a lot and I worked hard to build a team and push the program forward and we did a great job. But I started to get a little... bored. I missed the mountains. I didn't like seeing my winter gear collecting dust in a closet. The job gave me two months off in the summer, but the other 10 months were just... Not as personally captivating as I would have liked. So, when I felt well enough, I started passively looking for new jobs. I found an activities director position in Montana and jumped at the opportunity. In hindsight I wish I had stayed in Florida, but I could not have known that the next year would be difficult as well. So N and I packed up everything after 10 months in Florida and moved to Montana. At first it was amazing. We lived right next to Yellowstone. I had a huge pay increase compared to Florida. We had free housing. The dogs seemed happier. The recreation opportunity was amazing, and N got to experience a different kind of life than she was used to. I hired a completely new staff for the summer season and worked hard to train and rebuild an extensive activities program. I mistakenly threw my life at work. Again. But the activities and the challenges were so diverse I felt more invested in the program. Over time, though, my management started to show their true colors. The work environment was toxic. I did everything I could to keep it from my staff. I was asked to do many illegal things, especially to my staff and their payroll. I refused every time. I fought hard against what I thought was wrong. It kept me up at night. I worked 16 hours a day to make sure I was around for my staff. I didn't take a day off for months and the days off I tried to take I would be called back in by a toxic, vengeful management. It was a mess. Nobody was happy on the director level. General management was going through a hard divorce and was obviously taking it out on staff. Ownership didn't care - they were planning on selling the business anyways. They cut corners, screwed people over and used people. It was exhausting to keep that from my team every day. But I did.
Right after our busy summer season I took my staff on a vacation to Utah to canyoneer. We had built such a strong team it felt right to give them a different experience. So I planned a trip, invited the staff and ran all logistics. It was a wonderful experience. Selfishly, I had planned this right before my birthday as something of a "birthday gift" to myself. The trip, though cold, went well until it was time to leave. N and I were driving one of our coworkers back down to New Mexico to drop her off for the shoulder season. We had stayed at an airbnb in a ranch that was absolutely gorgeous and had let the dogs run around multiple times unsupervised. When we got to our coworkers house in New Mexico my dog, my partner, started to get sick. We took her to the vet who told us not to be concerned but the drive back to Montana made us both deeply worried. I'd rather not share more detail due to how painful the situation is, but my dog passed away the morning after we got to Montana. The day before my birthday. This dog had kept me going through the worst moments of my life. She had gone up every peak with me, down most canyons. She had been there when nobody else could be. She saved me from myself. And I lost her. It was unexpected. It was cruel. I was in so much pain. I had never felt loss like that before. I shut down. I was overworked, stressed and bitter. My relationship with N had started to suffer because of my professional choices and investment. My dog was a part of me. She meant the world to me. I broke that day. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I lost part of my humanity that I've never been able to recover. I got in my jeep and drove as far away as I could and screamed at the heavens. I wish it had been me instead of her. She was there for everything. My students loved her. My employees loved her. She was the things I couldn't always be. She left such an impact on the people around her.
When I did finally come back to the world I couldn't stand it. Grief is a funny thing. I stopped caring about everything. I literally hid in a closet and alternated between crying and freezing up for days. I did not eat for days. I didn't speak to anyone. I couldn't take care of myself. The pain was, and still is, so indescribably horrible. It's been years and I still think about it almost every day. I still have nightmares. It ruined who I am. I have never been the same since. I'm not as outgoing, not as energetic and enthusiastic. I learned how cold and cruel life could be that day. I know the pain won't go away. You learn to keep living. It doesn't get better. But it does get more familiar. And that's ok.
I got fired from work a few months after that. I stopped being political and started calling upper management out on their actions. Could I have been more diplomatic? Yes. Was I? Not in the slightest. I was angry. I was hurting. I wouldn't let these people take things illegally from my staff. They were just about all I had left at that point. N and I went on a few trips and decided to move back to Florida. I wasn't healthy. I couldn't be in Florida doing nothing. I was confused and upset and knew that when we went back to Florida N would reinvest in her family and I wouldn't have her as accessible as I needed. I didn't know how to explain to her that I needed her. I desperately needed her. But all it did was come out as anger and frustration. It pushed her away and, after a month or so of living with her family on the island, I left to my grandparents. I felt like a burden. I couldn't function. I still haven't gotten back to a high-functioning point in my life.
I took a dream job (not in destination, but in responsibilities) running an outdoor program at a university. I taught classes and developed my staff. I loved every moment of it and started feeling a little better, like I was giving back again. I was making an impact and working for good people. But, due to a combination of things, I lost that job. I had seen it coming and took some time off. N and I had broken up by this point and I was devastated. I knew this was my fault due to my personality shifts, energy changes and overall mental health. I wish I had known how to vocalize how I felt and what I needed. I wish I knew back then how to ask for help from the people I loved. But I was a leader - I had to stay strong. Whenever I did reach out, people were confused. How could I need help when I was the one who was always giving it? It made people... Uncomfortable.
I applied for a few position and ended up landing back in Colorado - a goal I had set five years earlier. I wanted to badly to get back to a state that was familiar to me. That had more recreation opportunities than I knew what to do with. And I got there. I took a job running a summer camp for kids near Denver. I had finally achieved my goals of getting home. I lived in a beautiful house on 90 acres of secluded wilderness. I'd done it. But that was short lived.
I started getting neurological symptoms again. Memory loss, headaches, confusion. But this was different. The headaches were different. I couldn't sleep. It didn't matter if I got 6 hours or 16 hours of sleep. I never felt rested. My headaches were getting worse. I was so tired. I was quick to become agitated. The person who had nothing but patience for the world was turning paranoid and agitated. I stopped being able to focus at work. I was exhausted. I was making decisions that were not in character. I tried to ignore it for months. I ended up losing my job due to COVID and other reasons at the camp. I lost my dream. But I had a backup just in case. I took a job with a luxury resort company building adventure programs at their opening properties. I took a few months off before working, just to try to get well again. I had found a new partner. I fell in love with her and started giving in a meaningful way again. I gave her everything I could. I was there for her birthday. I brought her breakfast and lunch at work. I took her on adventures and shared dreams with her. I helped her fix her car and was always there to lean on. I paid for everything. I supported her dreams, goals and aspirations. I would drive 6 hours one way to see her when she felt uncomfortable or alone. I worked remote to make sure I was there with her and for her when she needed me. But then she started treating me badly. She abused me emotionally. She told me I was negligent, that I didn't deserve to be at the position I was in, that I didn't know what I was doing. She escalated arguments and threatened our relationship then would turn around and say I did the escalating. She never asked about me. She never asked how I was doing or what I was feeling or what I was thinking. She realized she could take from me and only manipulated me in return. She made it seem like she was a victim in a situation. I found out she lied to people consistently. She lied about her accomplishments and gave people beta on very dangerous mountaineering routes that she could not bring herself to do. She exaggerated her situations to the world around her. She projected her actions, her insecurities on others and constantly thought the worst of me and made me out to be a bad person. Before we started dating she told me I was nothing special. That I was just another body. She belittled me consistently. I honestly believe she thought she knew more about the outdoors and adventure than I did. Which was ok. I was accustomed to being patient with people and I was patient with her. I never wanted to try to change her - that wasn't my place. In spite of these toxic tendencies I saw a lot of good in her. She was special. I might not have fully understood her, but I did love her. And I did try.
She ended up breaking her car (through an understandable mistake). I leant her my new truck while she got her car situation figured out. I offered to lend her my old jeep YJ - my most prized possession. It wasn't great at highway speeds but was easy to drive around town and better to park. She lied to me about being able to drive a manual transmission. When she went to drive it she didn't know what she was doing. To this day I do not know if she faked being unable to drive because she didn't want to drive that jeep around and wanted to the truck or if she had just flat out lied again about her life experience. In any case, I let her use my brand new truck. For 6 weeks I drove my old jeep from New Mexico to Colorado and back multiple times to support her. I put thousands of miles on the YJ and dealt with the discomfort so she could get to work. It took her over a month to come up with a plan for her car. And she didn't come up with it. Her dad did. I understand vehicle repairs can take some time, but she was obviously dragging her feet.
In one of my visits we got up to take a shower and I collapsed in the shower. I never fully explained to her how awful I was feeling. I didn't want that to detract from her current situations. Instead of one or two days of feeling bad I was now at one or two days of feeling good. I'm surprised she didn't notice how much I had slowed down. We were doing consistent trips - going canyoneering, hiking, mountaineering, camping. It got to a point where I could barely walk up the stairs. I played it off like it wasn't a big deal. But I was so confused and afraid. I was paranoid. We got into an argument and I had enough. I told her I was leaving. I took my truck and my jeep and drove back to Denver.
The next day I woke up and couldn't remember much of what happened. I tried to get out of the truck and collapsed on the ground at a gas station. I was so nauseas. My head was killing me. I decided it was time to confront what was going on. I went to a hospital and got admitted. I had blood tests and a CT scan. I was discharged and immediately tried to make amends with this girl. I got a call from the doctors on my way out saying they had seen a spot on my CT scan and told me to get an MRI asap. I tried to find open slots in the Denver area but ended up heading back down to NM for work and getting one there. The results were disheartening. I was recommended to a specialist in NM who recommended me to a specialist elsewhere in the country. The prevailing theory was I had a cyst near my pineal gland that was affecting how much melatonin my body was producing. By then my symptoms were so bad I was struggling to get through a day. I was inconsistent in demeanor, awareness and ability. I was more exhausted than I had ever been in my life. Every morning I woke up feeling I had just summited a peak. I had never been one to be prone to anger out of exhaustion or hunger - I have always been level headed regardless of situation. But this lack of meaningful rest was taking its toll. The headaches, the pain, it all was unbearable. I had learned a long time ago that you can lose everything in life and still have yourself. I was, for all intents and purposes, losing myself. I leaned on people I knew to remind me of who I was. The stark contrast between who I was and who I've become was a lot for people. I was forgetful and my short term memory has essentially been shot. It's hard for people around you to see you go from a strong leader to a mess.
I let this girl use my truck again. I explained to her my situation, as best I could, in the hopes I would have someone who claimed to love me support me in this process. I did not ask her to come to MRI's or doctors appointments. I asked her for patience and to stick around with me to give me something to hold on to.
She strung me along until she decided she wasn't getting as much as she wanted from me. I needed my truck to head out of state for a doctors appointment and that was it. She told me she would not give it back to me. She said she would not hand over the keys. I told her I had the spare and would come to get it regardless. She threatened me with hiding it and I told her if she damages or steals my property I would involve the police. She called her local sheriff and told them I was unable to drive and would be putting people at risk, all in an effort to keep my truck. The sherriffs office saw through this and when we spoke they made sure I was aware that it was my property and I could retrieve it whenever. They also encouraged me to seek a restraining order so that I could have an official police escort to retrieve my truck. They were worried she would lie about our interaction to get back at me. They brought up the points that if she was worried about my health she would not have asked them to detain me from getting my vehicle back. She would have called my local sherriffs office if she were concerned about me. She could have called any organization. But in the eyes of the detective this was not out of concern for my wellbeing - this was her not wanting to lose my truck.
I have lived my life trying to keep from negatively impacting anyone's life. Against my gut, I pursued a restraining order. The police went with me to collect my truck and belongings. I felt horrible. To this day I feel so overwhelmingly guilty. I dropped the restraining order before our court date, against the advice of everyone I spoke to about this. I could not do that to her life. A domestic violence restraining order stays on a record. I couldn't punish her for acting like a child. That's not who I am. I wish she knew that.
A few days later I got news from my specialist that he did not think I had a cyst. He thought it was a tumor. He wanted to do a biopsy. I no longer have health insurance. I was laid off due to COVID in November. I can't afford any more doctors appointments and I don't really care to continue this process. I'm so tired. I have this gut feeling that my world as I know it is ending and will never be the same. I may be stubborn in not wanting it to change, but I can't go through that process anymore. I went and saw family. I visited old friends. I've been trying for two months to live with the rest of the energy I have. I've been canyoneering and ice climbing, but after every trip I need at least two days to recuperate. I've slowed down and I'm slowing down more. I know I'm not thinking 100%, but I have nothing anymore. I don't even have myself. I can't rely on family in this situation, I can't rely on friends. I know there's something horrible just over the horizon waiting for me and I'd like to meet that fate on my own terms instead of suffering through for the sake of the people around me. I've been off the grid and out of contact with everyone for two months. I don't know how to tell the people I've led that I can no longer lead. I don't know how to express how I feel to them. I've tried. Repeatedly. I've tried to get people to understand where I'm at and what I need and all it's brought has been confusion and an inability to support. I'm the strong one. Why would I need others to be strong with me? They all care in their own way and try to support and understand the best they can, but it's not enough. I'm slipping more and more every day. I don't have the energy for a biopsy. I don't have the energy for what comes after that. I am in so much physical, emotional and mental pain. I have nightmares every night now. I feel like I hurt someone I love. I miss having someone I love to hold onto at feel whole. I miss having an ability to be myself and live my life. I'm so tired of hurting, of the regrets, of the inability to proceed. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of waking up at 4a and wishing I could cry, just to have some outlet for this feeling. I'm tired of not recognizing my face in the mirror. I'm tired of feeling more alone than I ever have. I'm tired of not even having myself to lean on. I'm tired of overhwhelming, constant, defining pain that hasn't let up for months. I'm tired of people not understanding how much I hurt and how constant it is on so many different levels.Just because I am calm on the outside doesn't mean I have a reprieve from the physical and emotional pain. Just because I've been taught to hide this pain doesn't mean it isn't there. What about "I'm broken. I'm hurting more than I ever have. I'm tired and I don't know how to process" is confusing? Am I not "showing" it enough? Do I need to collapse in agony to prove this? Because I wish I could. But I still have to be strong for everyone. I don't have that luxury for you all. I haven't allowed myself that.
I've seen some awful things in life. These are some secrets I've rarely shared. I had nightmares for years after seeing a young boys body in a ravine on my first real SAR mission. It haunted me how life could take so easily. How I was there and he wasn't. I've pulled my share of bodies and injuries out of situations. Recently I helped with a recovery of a friends cousins body off a peak in Colorado. I saw the family go through the first stages of grief. I felt guilty I couldn't have been there sooner to help.
I'm losing myself. I'm losing the world around me. I don't have the energy or the awareness to rebuild. I don't have the resources to rely on. I feel like a horrible human being. I'm just so tired. I have nothing, nobody to keep me going. I can't even talk to my friends or family about these feelings because they are so unaccustomed to me feeling this way. I won't put this on them. I won't inconvenience them. I'm broken and I want them to know that it isn't their fault and there's nothing they could have done. Yes, I know these things are all fixable. But I don't have the things I need to fix them. I won't have those things. I won't have the people I need or the support I need. And even if I do fix them my life may never be the same. Can I be a leader again? A friend? An educator? A partner? Why can't people be those things for me when I need them? I won't put this on the people I love. I've already lost people I love because I tried to do that. I won't trade physical pain for emotional. I'm overwhelmed and I'm ready to go. I can't "fix" everything by myself when I don't even have myself. I refuse to try to "fix" things just so other people are happy that I'm still around in their lives. I've tried to figure out at what point do I stop living for myself and start living for others. I feel like I'm at that point now. I've given my life to others. I won't give my death for them. It's selfish that they would want me to keep living in this agony. It's selfish they want to keep me around but don't know how to support me in it. I don't need people to add to my pain. I just wanted to right people to support me through it. To try in the ways I needed.
​
I've skipped quite a bit of detail. Brevity is not a familiar concept to me. I was hoping to flesh this out more, but I don't have the energy. This seems like most of the pertinent information. I hope there's something to learn from all of this for those who are either feeling bad or know someone who does feel bad. Please, just try to support each other in the ways that the individual needs. There is no band-aid for pain and suffering. Everyone heals differently. Respect that and support that. People aren't meant to live on an assembly line. What helps you might not help them. Even if you don't fully understand it, just try to support people the way they need. Not the way you or society thinks they need. Value them in the ways that make them feel valued. Don't emulate what makes you feel valued. You're a round peg and they're a square hole. Find a square and help them get through.
​
​
You are special.

Hey all. I essentially took the MCAT after graduating college and then moved out of CA in order to pursue some non-medicine interests that I have. I don't regret this decision at all, but my lack of clinical experience and volunteering hours really hurt my application this past cycle (or so I believe) and didn't get any interviews. My LOR were solid (I think!). I have since moved back and added hours as a scribe + some hours volunteering for causes in my area and am reapplying.
Of note, I am also applying DO this cycle, any advice as to which schools would be awesome.
Any advice or suggestions of where to apply would be greatly appreciated! Hope everyone is staying healthy/sane-ish with all the COVID-19 madness.
​
Cheers,
​
Year: 2nd time applying
Country/ State of Residence: CA
Ethnicity: ORM, Male
Cumulative GPA: 3.77
Science GPA: 3.68
MCAT Score: 520 (132, 129, 131, 128)
Research:
Biochem lab during undergrad, 1000 hours + Senior Honor's Thesis
Volunteering (clinical):
None
Volunteering (non-clinical)
200 hours coaching high school sports (new to app)
100 hours food bank (new to app)
30 hours Red Cross Blood Donor center (projected at time of app) (new to app)
Shadowing:
Total 50 hours in Internal Medicine
Activities (most meaningful with asterisks):
Rock climbing/mountaineering (big mountain range summits that I would be comfortable talking about)
Running
Wilderness First Responder Training and Certification (new)
Study abroad in Spanish-speaking country, speak close to fluent Spanish
Employment:
-Non-clinical
Ski Resort Warehouse Employee during Winter 2018
Restaurant BusseBarback Winter 2018
Whitewater Raft Guide Summer 2019 (new to app)
-Clinical
Emergency department scribe (400 hours)
Any Family Members in Medicine: None!
Specialty of Interest: Emergency, but open minded
Graduate Degrees: N/A
Interest in Rural Health: Yeah!
Schools to which you are applying:
UCSF
UCLA
UCSD
UC Davis
UC Irvine
Stanford
Kaiser Permanente School of Medicine
The University of Southern California
Yale School of Medicine
The University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine
The Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth
Vanderbilt University School of Medicine
The Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University
Tufts University School of Medicine
The University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine
University of Michigan Medical School
The University of Washington School of Medicine
The University of Louisville School of Medicine
Tulane University Medical School
University of Maryland School of Medicine
University of Colorado School of Medicine
The Ohio State University College of Medicine
University of Cincinnati College of Medicine
Rush Medical College
Loyola University, Stritch School of Medicine
Rosalind Franklin University, School of Medicine
Oregon Health and Science University
Wake Forest School of Medicine
University of Utah School of Medicine
West Virginia University School of Medicine
George Washington University School of Medicine
The Larner College of Medicine at the University of Vermont
The University of Arizona College of Medicine
The University of Toledo College of Medicine
Virginia Tech Carilion School of Medicine
Eastern Virginia Medical School

http://news.vailresorts.com/corporate/update-on-coronavirus-from-vail-resorts.htm
(Updated 4 p.m. on March 14, 2020)
Update on Vail Resorts Operations from CEO Rob Katz
Resorts will not operate Sunday, March 15 through Sunday, March 22, with future guidance to follow
This has no doubt been an incredibly challenging time. With 37 resorts spread across 15 states and three countries, we – like the rest of the world – have been closely tracking every new development related to coronavirus (COVID-19) and have been in constant contact with local health officials for guidance. Without question, our top priority has been the health and wellbeing of our guests and employees – and to no lesser extent the health and wellbeing of the communities where we operate. We know each decision we make has a broad impact far beyond our operations.
With each of those stakeholders in mind and with the most updated information from local health officials, we have made the difficult decision to suspend the operations of all our North American mountain resorts and retail stores beginning Sunday, March 15, 2020 through Sunday, March 22, 2020 and will use that time to reassess our approach for the rest of the season. Our lodging and property management operations will remain open to service the guests we have on location or those with existing reservations, but we will not be taking new reservations for this upcoming week. Epic Mountain Express, our Colorado shuttle service, will also continue operations to support the travel needs of our guests. We will be closing our corporate offices and apart from essential personnel, we will be asking other employees to work from home, where possible.
All our scheduled employees, both seasonal and year-round, will be paid during this upcoming eight-day period, without needing to use any vacation or sick time. Their commitment to our company and guests during this uncertain time has been unwavering and I am personally grateful beyond words.
This decision provides a pause for the entire ecosystem of our mountain resort communities. It gives everyone the time to assess the situation, respond to ever-changing developments, and evaluate the approach for the rest of season, if we believe it is advisable or feasible to re-open. This was not an easy decision to make, as we deeply considered the impact it will have on our guests, employees, and the people and businesses in our communities. We understand this change may be confusing given our communications of operational changes over the past week, and as late as last night. Please know that this has been a fast-moving, constantly developing situation with new information from our communities coming to us by the day, if not by the hour, and we are trying to react as quickly as we can. People may also wonder why we are not giving more notice ahead of this closure. We understand the challenges this creates, but our priority is to minimize any additional issues from operating in further uncertainty and to avoid potential crowding.
We sincerely apologize to guests who are currently at our resorts – and those who were planning to come during this time. We have information on cancellations, refunds and travel credits on our websites. Many things like ski school, lift tickets, equipment rentals, and transportation can be fully refunded, and we have new credit policies in place for our owned and operated lodging properties. Please know that we will get to everyone and appreciate your patience as our most immediate priority must be the health and welfare of our resorts and communities. I know there are a lot of questions about our season pass products and Epic Day Passes. Those products are non-refundable and not transferable to another season, however, we will be reviewing those policies and providing any updated guidance on that in the coming weeks. Again, we very much appreciate your patience with this as well.
We will be providing updated information on the remainder of the season by Friday, March 20, 2020.
These are unprecedented, challenging times for everyone. We will continue to navigate these unchartered waters with our guests, our employees and our communities remaining our highest priority. I am certain that there have been, and will be, moments where we will miss the mark and potentially disappoint. However, rest assured that we will continue to listen to your feedback – and continue to make the best decisions we can for everyone’s wellbeing.

Update on Vail Resorts Operations from CEO Rob Katz RESORTS WILL NOT OPERATE SUNDAY, MARCH 15 THROUGH SUNDAY, MARCH 22, WITH FURTHER GUIDANCE TO FOLLOW
This has no doubt been an incredibly challenging time. With 37 resorts spread across 15 states and three countries, we – like the rest of the world – have been closely tracking every new development related to coronavirus (COVID-19) and have been in constant contact with local health officials for guidance. Without question, our top priority has been the health and wellbeing of our guests and employees – and to no lesser extent the health and wellbeing of the communities where we operate. We know each decision we make has a broad impact far beyond our operations.
With each of those stakeholders in mind and with the most updated information from local health officials, we have made the difficult decision to suspend the operations of all our North American mountain resorts and retail stores beginning Sunday, March 15, 2020 through Sunday, March 22, 2020 and will use that time to reassess our approach for the rest of the season. Our lodging and property management operations will remain open to service the guests we have on location or those with existing reservations, but we will not be taking new reservations for this upcoming week. Epic Mountain Express, our Colorado shuttle service, will also continue operations to support the travel needs of our guests. We will be closing our corporate offices and apart from essential personnel, we will be asking other employees to work from home, where possible.
All our scheduled employees, both seasonal and year-round, will be paid during this upcoming eight-day period, without needing to use any vacation or sick time. Their commitment to our company and guests during this uncertain time has been unwavering and I am personally grateful beyond words.
This decision provides a pause for the entire ecosystem of our mountain resort communities. It gives everyone the time to assess the situation, respond to ever-changing developments, and evaluate the approach for the rest of season, if we believe it is advisable or feasible to re-open. This was not an easy decision to make, as we deeply considered the impact it will have on our guests, employees, and the people and businesses in our communities. We understand this change may be confusing given our communications of operational changes over the past week, and as late as last night. Please know that this has been a fast-moving, constantly developing situation with new information from our communities coming to us by the day, if not by the hour, and we are trying to react as quickly as we can. People may also wonder why we are not giving more notice ahead of this closure. We understand the challenges this creates, but our priority is to minimize any additional issues from operating in further uncertainty and to avoid potential crowding.
We sincerely apologize to guests who are currently at our resorts – and those who were planning to come during this time. We have information on cancellations, refunds and travel credits on our websites. Many things like ski school, lift tickets, equipment rentals, and transportation can be fully refunded, and we have new credit policies in place for our owned and operated lodging properties. Please know that we will get to everyone and appreciate your patience as our most immediate priority must be the health and welfare of our resorts and communities. I know there are a lot of questions about our season pass products and Epic Day Passes. Those products are non-refundable and not transferable to another season, however, we will be reviewing those policies and providing any updated guidance on that in the coming weeks. Again, we very much appreciate your patience with this as well.
We will be providing updated information on the remainder of the season by Friday, March 20, 2020.
These are unprecedented, challenging times for everyone. We will continue to navigate these unchartered waters with our guests, our employees and our communities remaining our highest priority. I am certain that there have been, and will be, moments where we will miss the mark and potentially disappoint. However, rest assured that we will continue to listen to your feedback – and continue to make the best decisions we can for everyone’s wellbeing.
Rob Katz Chief Executive Officer Vail Resorts